Who He Wanted Her To Be

I guess I thought I knew what I wanted, but then I had you... You were not what I wanted. 

You don’t deserve it 

Life isn’t fair

Life isn’t fair, is it? For some people, life is a lot easier. For some people, it’s more complicated. There are two types of people in this world. The ones who know what they want, and the others who are still searching and will grab onto anything hoping that that will be the thing they were looking for all along. 

For a long time, she didn’t think she knew what she wanted. Lily wasn’t searching nor did she want to search. Trying to figure out what she wanted seemed to be an impossible task. She let things be the way they were and if it ended up giving her certain meaning then she would attach to it. That was the way Lily was, and no one could change that. 

She lit up the room when she would walk in. Her laugh could be heard from a mile away. Her smile was as contagious as her positive attitude. Everyone saw her as the happiest girl in the room. And she was, for a small-time. She was happy. Everything was making sense to her. Life was making sense to her. Life was fair to her. 

That fairness was stripped away from her not to long after she had figured out how to be happy. Lily had fallen in love, or at least what she had thought was love. This boy, he came out of nowhere. They met for the first time at a bar. It was the bar she had went to the previous week with a close friend of hers. That night, which she had expected nothing out of ended up shaping the person she was today. 

He seemed perfect. He listened to what she had to say and enjoyed every word of it. He had a different sort of presence, it made her feel important. That feeling of importance she so loved and desired soon became the element of her downfall. He made her happy for a week until he did not care anymore. She wanted to be someone’s person. She had realized that. That was what she wanted. She wanted to be his person and she was, for a short period.  Until she wasn’t anymore. 

She felt the love between them vanish, yet she couldn’t let him go. 

They sat in the living room together one night. Tears were streaming down her face while she stood in front of him. He sat on the couch head in his hands not saying a word. They fought for hours with it going nowhere. 

I can’t leave you. I don’t want to leave you. You have to do it; you have to end it because I can’t. She told him. To her surprise, he did not end it that night. He kept her there by his side and she stayed no matter how much it hurt her. Lily tried to love him. She tried to be the girl he wanted, but it was never enough.  She tried to convince herself that he loved her, why else would he still keep her around?

He did not love her, nor would he ever. He became mean and cold to her. He liked the security of someone loving him but he was unable to return the love back. He told Lily she didn’t deserve it, without any other explanation. He told her she didn’t deserve his love. He did not want her anymore. Tears stained the screen of her phone when he wrote: I guess I thought I knew what I wanted, but then I had you... You were not what I wanted. 

Lily always loved movies and books. She watched them with such love and pleasure. She wanted that. She wanted that love story and that movie ending. She wanted someone to run down the street and shout her name while declaring their love for her. Yet, she learned that her life would never be a movie, nor a book. 

Over time she got better. She accepted the end, yet she couldn’t seem to find the things that were stripped away from her. She didn’t know what she wanted from people anymore. She didn’t remember who she used to be. That smile that shined so bright was replaced with a polite grin. Her laughter was but shrugs. What life meant to her had changed and she couldn’t figure out its meaning anymore. She was skeptical about everything, about everyone. 

Lily had so much love to give and people took that from granted. 

Life wasn’t fair, and it left her with scars.