It's Meaningless

I seem to find myself stuck in this continuous dilemma. My heart won't seize to beat when I see your face. I try to control the panic my body endures when I see you cross the room, but my body shuts down.

What you did to me still hurts and my brain can’t seem to accept the reality. I know what I must do, I know I must hate you but I can’t and I don’t think I want to. You made me feel something I thought I lost so long ago. You knew about my past, you knew about my hurts. What that man did to me, how he used me, hurt me.

I know you didn’t mean to cause the pain that you did. But what’s done is done and the pain won’t go away. You were clueless, selfish and I should’ve known better than to let my guard down.

We sat on the cold grass together watching the stars glisten in the night. You held me tightly as if you were trying to protect me from the dark and stop it from overtaking my body. I told you about the bruises and the scars and not just about the ones on my body, but the ones in my mind. You promised to cure me, to save me. But promises are but words and words mean nothing if an action isn’t attached to them.

I stood by the water that night you left me behind. I watched it flow to the beat of the wind. How could I let myself get lost because you decided to go? When you came back I knew what this meant for myself. It was time to come to terms with what I was feeling. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to confront it, I didn’t want to confront you. I sat in the library indulging myself with beautiful words and beautiful poetry until you walked in. I tried to look away, but it’s hard to resist what your eyes desire the most. Your eyes locked with mine and I tried to calm myself. My body wouldn’t move, my eyes stayed locked on yours and yours on mine. What I would’ve given to hear the sound of your voice. I knew you wouldn’t say anything to me. Why would you? Not a word came out of us towards each other since you left and it was too late now.

My anger was still strong, but so was my love. Maybe one day I will speak to you. I know that soon we will never have a moment together ever again. I know that soon we will never meet again. I will never see you cross the library or walk to the prairie ever again. Life goes on and soon you will go on with it, just like you did in august. But this time you won't come back, because life is more than this small village. We both know that. Maybe I will reach out but maybe I won’t. I still think about it, I still think about us. You may not, but I do.

I know now what I must do. I must heal myself. I can’t forget the past, I can’t fix it, I must confront it. I wanted you to save me from it, but maybe I need to save myself. If I can’t fix myself, why should I burden someone else to do it? I see my mistake so clearly now. You left because you were afraid, afraid of letting me down. You needed to go and I never forgave you. Maybe I should, but a part of me doesn’t want to, as if this hatred kept me connected to you. I must let you go. I must let go. Just let go.